Thursday, January 7, 2010

...the Rails?

I've found that life is like riding the rails:
  • There isn't always a direct train to your destination.
  • You can't guarantee that you'll remain on schedule.
  • You alternate between full speed and slow crawl.
  • Sometimes the ride is smooth but frequently it's bumpy.
And sometimes you come completely off the tracks...

My life derailed this summer. One of my co-workers died practically in my arms. Then, less than a month later, my mom passed away. They were within two weeks of the same age and had similar health issues. So essentially I saw my Mom die twice in a month.

Like I said, completely off the the tracks.

For the last 5 1/2 months I have been trying to get my life back on the tracks, but I can't find them. Apparently, you don't just brush yourself off and get back on. The tracks are destroyed.

Life, as I knew it, ended shortly after dawn, September 27, 2009. Yes, I have a loving family at home and friends who care, that didn't change. Yes, I still live where I live and work where I work.

Why then can't I just pick up from where I left off?
  • Because I feel like an orphan?
  • Because I lost the one person with whom I always shared my troubles?
  • Because it hurts so damn much I can't think?
  • Because I'm alone in a way I was not prepared for?
  • Because I can't even believe she's gone?
All of the above, at least in part, but mostly because I am forever changed.

I'm not the same Angie who went to bed on September 26, 2009. This Angie is filled with a bottomless, unrelenting grief, which will lessen in time, but will never be gone. This Angie worries constantly about the similarities she shares with her Mom and doesn't want to die early and leave her daughter as she has been left. This Angie wants nothing more than to feel her mom's arms around her and knows this can never be. This Angie will forever carry a shadow behind her smile.

It isn't so much getting back to normal as it is discovering and adjusting to the new normal.

Turns out that in order to get back on the tracks I have to find a new set.

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a blog of exploration, discovery, and recovery