Thursday, May 9, 2013

...all the CAT-5 Cables?

Aside from yesterday's post, it has been over two years since I wrote about trying to re-frame my pain-in-the-ass internal dialogue.

That didn't go so well.  If you read that post, you'll hardly be surprised.

Yesterday's post was about the moment before life, as you know it, changes. How sometimes seemingly trivial actions will become a permanent sign post marking the point at which life changed course.

For me, it was the Kalamazoo Airshow, July 3-4, 2011. Specifically, it was sitting my heat -prostrated self into our air conditioned car. That is my sign post, my last memory of my life as it was.

My next memory was waking up to the sounds of screaming and finding out the screams were mine, and that no one else could hear them.

That was because it was all going on inside my head.

Like I said, my life had changed.

I refer to the months of July and August of 2011 as the time Angie Lost Her Mind. My Internal Dialogue, who I call ID, was like an Artificial Intelligence that had suddenly become self-aware...and it decided that I was no longer needed.

Kind of like Skynet in the Terminator, but without James Cameron's direction. It seemed that my ID was holding out for Oliver Stone....

I felt like I was looking at my life through a window, one I couldn't open, and couldn't break. Trust my ID to know about Lexan.  I listened to my ID as it planned my demise. I have to admit, it was really good at contingency planning, and had creative idea for the use of CAT-5 cables.  The one thing my ID didn't consider: it cannot live outside of my body.

Skynet = 1  Angie's ID = 0

Fortunately, my Ever Patient Husband brought me to a place where people understood how to help me gain control of my ID. It wasn't easy. My ID was well entrenched. It took a lot of time, a lot of talk, and a lot of support to finally negotiate a surrender. The terms were fair and insured that I would be the the one in control. 

I came to understand and embrace the idea that my Internal Dialogue is not its own entity, it is a part of me. It is one of the many things that make up who I am.

Of course this means that all that time I'd been arguing with myself. To bad I didn't have any Jeff Dunham puppets to make it look cool.

That I can write this at all shows that I've come along way from July of 2011. I may have lost my mind but I got it back. It isn't the same, it will never be the same.

And that isn't a bad thing.

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